How do I want my family to look?

Hi blog,

I’ve been reading these mom group discussions and been thinking a lot on my own about how I want my family to look. I was always the girl who was never having kids. It scared me way too much. And frankly, still scares me even with having one. It brings immense joy but with it brings a lot of physical, mental, and emotional challenges.

It’s funny because when I was about 11 days postpartum, it was Valentines Day, and my husband and I went out for a Valentine lunch date while my dad watched Natalie. After a wine tasting and a couple espresso martinis deep, I told him that I felt things were going so great that I kind of wanted two more kids! I also have said that sober as well! Ha!

As time keeps going on, I’m realizing that the recovery from having one is truly a LOOOONG process. I was in for an incredible rude awakening when after three months, I wasn’t “back to normal.” Now that I am 6 months pp, I’ve grown a lot into my new self, but I truly don’t know anymore what “back to normal” means.

As far as this idea of wanting more kids or not, I’ve realized I’m really not in a position to make this decision for quite a while. I think about my own family and how I’ve never really had a “normal” sibling upbringing. I have a half sister who is 15 years older than me whom I never lived with, and I have a brother who is 7.5 years younger than me, and he has Down syndrome. While my brother and I were very close, I can’t have a normal conversation with him because he is not fully verbal. It’s quite a lonely feeling. I’ve also witnessed sibling conflict amongst my mother and her siblings. I know of people who don’t speak to their only sibling anymore. So my point is, if people are wanting kids to “give their kid a sibling”, there’s no guarantee that the two siblings will even get along anyway! So truly, I’d really like some feedback on this…… what made you decide to have more or not have more kids? At this current hormonal rollercoaster bullshit state that I’m in now in my postpartum journey, I am feeling at this moment like I’m good with one and done.

Until next time…..

Jess

Natalie is 6 months old today!

Hey blog,

Today is Natalie’s 6 month birthday! I cannot believe she is halfway to a year old already. People are not lying when they say it goes by so fast!! As I’m sitting here this morning, I can’t help but reflect back to these last six months. I’m not going to act like everything’s “all good”, because social media truly only shows the highlight reels. If I’m being honest, behind all the cute outfits and fun pictures, I’ve still been struggling.

A few weeks ago I bumped up my medication for depression because I have just been really down. I have had thoughts like everyone would be better off without me here. But now the sadness comes in as, if I’m not here, I don’t get to see Natalie anymore. She has brought an immense joy to my life that I cannot describe. I have NEVER liked babies until I had my own, and I am just obsessed. My husband rolls his eyes at me, but it truly brings me so much joy to dress her up and match. I love fashion, always have, and I am just having so much fun dressing her up and playing with her. I always wanted a little sister growing up, and now is my chance to have a cute little girl to take care of.

I have to say though, I am incredibly angry at the “cost” it is to have a child. What I mean by that, is the physical, mental, and emotional sacrifice I have had to go through to have her. I’m pissed, because honestly society acts incredibly nonchalant about people having kids. And it’s thrown around in conversation so casually of “when are you having kids?” “When are you having your second?” I get REALLY worked up about this. I am bitter and mad because I have completely transformed into a new person that I am now trying to get to know, and it took me years to even remotely sort of “like” the old person I was. I fucking HATE hormones. I get so worked up and angry over dumb things that go wrong around the house (like the cats knocking over the flower vase and water spilling all over). I also am tired of the damn Walter E. Smithe commercials on tv with those four hot daughters. WE GET IT ALREADY! (If you’re from chicago, you’ll know what I’m talking about.) But yeah, shit like this irks me to the core, and I feel like I cannot control it. I cry more easily about things too. I have less thick skin. It’s been incredibly hard.

Physically, I am having a very hard time accepting that I’ve had to size up in jeans. I am so hung up on a number and I KNOW logically it makes me miserable. I’ve always cared about how I looked, and frankly I’m just not loving how I look lately. I hate that we have to gain weight, and work ourselves to the ground to just lose maybe one pound for a week, for then the scale to go back up again. I can’t stand it. I hate that no one told me how long hormones would be whack. I’m really mad that women have to go through this and feel like shit for a long time. I’m also mad that my abdomen will never look the same. I have the c-section mini shelf, and I just can’t stand it. Body con dresses are not exactly what I can wear anymore unless I put spanx on under it.

Anyways, I’m sorry for the bitch fest. But it is REALLY hard navigating through all of this. I truly thought by 3 months pp, I’d be completely back to normal, and boy, was I in for a rude awakening.

These last 6 months have been incredibly joyful, but at a cost. And I really can’t stand that there is a cost to have a child. So before you go asking people casually when they’re having kids, or their second, I’d say stop yourself and think. Think about that maybe that person has mental health issues and it’s too much. Or maybe they have fertility issues. Or maybe they just don’t want children and that should be ABSOLUTELY acceptable. Stop pressuring women to have children. For the longest time, I thought it was NOT for me. I am incredibly grateful for the family support and especially my husband who is the kindest soul on the planet and is incredibly hands on. I NEVER would have had children had I married anyone else because they were not the person that Steve is.

Besides the hardships, I must say, I believe I have grown a lot. In other ways, I’m more confident. Growing up with a brother who has Down syndrome, I’ve learned patience, and I believe that has translated to me being a good, patient, and empathetic mom. My mental health issues have made me empathetic and sympathetic. When Natalie cries, I don’t get mad, I just know that she needs something and can’t communicate it to me, so it’s just me figuring out what she needs. I CANT get mad at that….. this whole world is so new to her! I also think that being a mom has made me stronger in handling things that come my way. I think differently about the world now and how things would affect her. I have a protective instinct now that I’ve never had before. I also feel like I have a renewed sense of purpose. She needs me, and it is mine and my husbands job to shape her into a smart woman of society. I hope when she’s an adult I can say that I’ve done that.

Sorry for the long post. Please I’d love some feedback from you all. Wanting to know if any of you can relate.

Jess

Sorry it’s been a while…..

Dear Blog,

I apologize, I’ve been very bad about posting lately. But if I’m being honest, it’s because my mental health hasn’t been the greatest. I’ve had to bump up some dosage on meds. It’s so frustrating being a woman because I am now back on birth control, but I think that correlates possibly with feeling more depressed? There’s just no way of knowing. It’s so frustrating. I just know myself and I know that if I start to feel like “I don’t want to be here anymore”, then it’s time to do something about it.

That’s about it as far as mental health goes. Just managing it a day at a time. This summer I’ve been having an absolute blast being a girl mom. As someone who’s about 6 months postpartum, clothes can be frustrating, so I’ve been buying things that I feel good in. I’ve also been obsessed with matching outfits with my daughter.

My dress is from express.com and Natalie’s dress is shopdisney.com!

Of course, the minute I put her in this sweatshirt, she puked on it. Haha! These sweatshirts can be found on shopdisney.com

Coming soon, our fall fashion!

Navigating my new norm…

Hey blog!

It’s been a couple weeks, because honestly, I’ve been super busy, and frankly haven’t had much to say. I’ve sort of been taking this new life of mine all in. Still trying to navigate this new norm, and who I am.

One thing I’ve noticed that has helped is honestly doing things for “me.” For example, I always get my nails done every three weeks. I also recently had my boss do my hair, and I did a nice chop. I absolutely love the change. I’ve bought some new clothes. Yes, I’ve had to size up, but I pick clothing that I know looks flattering on me.

I’ve also tried to focus on things about myself that I like. For example, I absolutely love my career. And frankly, I know I do it well. I’m a hairdresser and I’m absolutely passionate in this. I’m so glad that I’m still a working mom, because it allows me to still fulfill myself. I feel incredibly grateful that I’m able to balance working part time, and also spending plenty of time with Natalie. I realize that not everyone can have this balance. I acknowledge that I am incredibly blessed to have this, since my husband works two shifts a week (he’s a paramedic.)

One of my hobbies that I do for me is I have a Disney podcast. My good friend John and I are co-hosts and its such a fun hobby for me to do. Disney is something I just love so much, and I love that I get to talk about it all the time in this podcast.

I’ve also realized that some of my old hobbies that I used to do, I’m truly not into anymore. I don’t care to perform musical theatre anymore, I don’t want to teach voice anymore. And frankly, that’s okay. I feel like I’ve “been there done that.” I also told my husband that honestly, I just want to be a mom right now. I’ve been fighting this whole “being a mom isn’t that big of my identity” thing, but frankly, it is. But I’m learning to really enjoy it, because I won’t get this precious time back with my infant. However, that’s not to say that I’m losing sight of things I enjoy. Therefore, I’m so grateful that I get to do my passion a few days a week for my career. I’m so grateful I have time to work out. I’m grateful I have my fun podcast to talk Disney. I’m grateful I have more time to spend with my husband and my daughter.

I’m just trying to change my focus. However, it’s still a work in progress.

Until next time,

Jess

Things NOT to say to new moms…

Dear Blog,

Sorry everyone that this is being posted a day late, but, hah, that’s what happens sometimes in motherhood. This last week and a half I’ve been really taking in what my ob/gyn said, and just trying to navigate this new person that I am. I’ll admit, an “expensive” habit that I do when I’m not feeling the best is I of course love some retail therapy. I try really hard to not spend too much on things especially if logically I know I don’t need them. But now that it is summer weather, I can’t help myself but enjoy a new sun dress or athleisure wear.

Last blog I mentioned that I’d like to bring up some real things people have said to me while I was pregnant. I apologize if this post comes off as a bitch fest, but I think I need to bring to light things people have actually said and how crazy it is the “lack of filter” some people have.

Here are some things I’d recommend NOT saying to new or expecting moms:

1)    When are you giving them a sibling?

Okay, first of all, what makes you think I want a second one? It is truly no one’s business how big or small my family will be. Also, some people have very difficult fertility journeys. Just because it happened fast the first time around, doesn’t mean it’d be easy the second time. Please, stop expecting things of people because it is incredibly hurtful. It makes us feel like the child we currently have doesn’t matter, and that what we’re doing with our lives currently doesn’t matter. Also, pregnancy and postpartum is INCREDIBLY difficult. What if we don’t want to go through that again? It’s just not that simple.

2)    Are you breastfeeding? (Insert opinion about breastfeeding here)

Here’s my philosophy: FED IS BEST. Would you like for me to judge what you eat on the daily? Didn’t think so. Back off.

3)    You look great for just having a baby!

Okay? What does that mean? I don’t look pregnant anymore?

4)    When I told someone my baby was breach, with a disgusted face they said “Oh, you couldn’t get them to flip?”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Like I have control over this??? I was not going to do that procedure either to have her flipped. I wanted a c-section anyway, so I’m glad the decision was made for me.

5)    “What are you having?” And I told them girl…. “eh, oh well, you can try again.”

True story. A male said this to me. Un-fucking-believable.

6)    “I know you don’t like attention on you, but you look great and you’ll be skinny again in no time.”

(Someone said this to me while I was at work and pregnant.)

7)    “I wish you would’ve waited to get pregnant so we could not have kids yet together!”

(Slaps hand on forehead)

8)    Also, don’t diminish a pregnant person’s feelings about their body changing. It is incredibly difficult to be in a body that you can’t control.

9)    “When you have your second….” “Well, it’d be nice to have a boy”…..

(said by a family member)

So now you’re probably thinking, “well what can I say?”

Well, how about asking the pregnant person how they feel for starters. Ask them how they’re doing and if there’s anything you can do to help. Don’t comment on their looks right away. We don’t believe you when you tell us we look great. We feel like a beached whale. Don’t give us your OPINION about breastfeeding. It truly does not work for everyone. Hell, I breastfed for exactly ONE MONTH TO THE DATE. And during that time, I also had to supplement with formula because I was not producing enough and my child was SUPER HUNGRY. I’ve found that formula keeps them more full, and satisfied. Also, get off your male dominated fucking high horse that my family needs a boy. We live on a god damned rock surrounding a ball of fire. Whether or not our last name ever gets passed on, is the LEAST of my worries. And what if I had a boy, and he was gay? Or if he didn’t want children? THEN WHAT?

Show compassion towards the pregnant woman. Look, even if you’ve BEEN PREGNANT, its very difficult to have empathy towards a pregnant person because every PREGNANCY looks different. My advice is, work on your skill of showing SYMPATHY. Sympathy says, “look, I might not fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here to be a support, listen, and acknowledge that this is hard for you.”

Until next time,

Jess

My recent ob/gyn appointment

Dear blog,

So, on Tuesday, the 30th I had an appointment with my ob gyn. I decided it was time for me to go talk to him because of all my frustrations. I wasn’t sure if perhaps I needed blood work to know if my hormones are whack, or what’s going on with me.

I had a nice conversation with my favorite ob gyn- the guy. He absolutely listens to me. I brought my list of concerns, and here’s the answers I got:

1)    Should I get a hormone panel? Because I feel crazy, I have major anxiety and OCD and I want to feel normal again.

He responded with: “I can’t even begin to explain you how many times I hear this, yet none of you women are talking to EACH OTHER about it.” He then went on to explain hormones to me. Because I simply asked him, “When will I feel back to normal?” and he responded with “never.”

What he meant was, think of all your hormones as being the stock exchange. They are constantly going to be going up and down on the daily, and will never completely be perfectly balanced. He also went on to explain that “look, you just went through a complete mind body transformation, and you will never be back to how you were. You essentially have a ‘different set’ of hormones now. So now is when we take what we’ve got going on, and we figure out how to move forward with it.”

2)    I addressed that my boobs still leak sometimes. He told me that any woman who has ever had a baby will always have the ability to squeeze some sort of liquid out of their boobs. Interesting. No one ever told me this.

3)    My periods have been very long and heavy these last two times. He explained that my uterus is about twice the size it used to be, and that it can take 3-6 months for your periods to level out to what they “most likely will be.” Hm okay. Again, no one ever told me this. He also explained that now that I’m postpartum, let’s address the things we don’t like happening. Since I’m having heavy periods, he recommended the pill or an IUD which will help make them lighter.

4)    I addressed my weight loss issue. He explained that the weight loss thing can honestly be tricky and it’s probably not hormonal. He said, and I quote, “fuck these cunts in LA who are back to a size 2 in a day”. (I cried laughing), but also, he’s right. I don’t have the funds to afford a personal trainer and nutritionist on the daily. I also am a part time working mom, and I’m not going to hire a nanny to raise my child. So, for me, yeah, the weight loss will probably take a little longer.

5)    I also had him look at my c section incision again, just to make sure everything looks normal. He said it looks great, yet I told him I hate my “shelf”. And he says “Yeah, I completely understand that, it’s the subcutaneous layer of fat right there over it.” He recommended that if I was really upset about it, I could do lipo there, which he’s not wrong. He knows I’m a glamour girl, so its not like was telling me I NEEDED it, he just half jokingly said it. And hell yes, whenever I decide I’m done with having kids, I am ABSOLUTELY doing some sort of mommy makeover. No shame in that.

My biggest takeaway from this doctor appointment is that he explained to me that truly, I am a new person. I have gone through an enormous physical and emotional change, and now it’s a matter of figuring out who this person is, and going through the journey of “liking her.” After addressing my anxiety and OCD too, he explained to me that many of these thoughts I have are so common, yet again, no one talks TO EACH OTHER about it. Why is that? He also recommended for me a postpartum support group which I absolutely think will help.

After speaking with my doctor, it helped me feel better and have some answers. However, the major journey for me is figuring out how to like this new person that I am. It took me 33 years to “like” who I was before. Now I am a new person with a new mindset, new body, and new job that I have no manual, and no experience in. It is INCREDIBLY difficult for women. I just want everyone here reading this to know, that I see you. I also understand the women who don’t want to do this. The women who don’t want to have children. I used to be that person. It is an enormous task that should not be taken lightly. I am incredibly blessed to have my healthy baby girl, but the thing is, I still matter too. And this is hard. One word of advice I have for people too is, please don’t assume that we are just “going to have a second kid.” Some women really don’t want to go through this postpartum period again. And frankly, WE DON’T HAVE TO. In my next post I really want to bring light to things people have said to me pregnant and postpartum. It really bothers me that people don’t respect boundaries and just assume things about each individual’s family planning.

Until next time,

Jess

Advocating for myself

Dear blog,

So, I’ve decided that I needed to make an appointment with my ob gyn and have a talk. Last entry, I explained that I’m really frustrated about a lot of things. This still stands true, and frankly I’m really frustrated that women are left in the dust, postpartum. It’s time that I advocate for myself, since no one else will.

I called and spoke to the nurse and listed my concerns which she then brought to the doctor. Here’s my concerns:

1)    TMI, but my boobs still leak….. like what? I haven’t breastfed in 2.5 months. Why is this happening? Again, no one ever told me….

2)    I have MAJOR anxiety and some OCD, and frankly its new anxieties that I don’t know how to manage. Is this NORMAL as a new parent??? Or am I insane?

3)    My first couple periods since birth are heavy as hell, and super long. Is this normal? Again, no one told me.

4)    I cannot drop my last 15 pounds to save my life. Is this normal? Is it too early? Will it just take more time? Will it get easier to come off as time goes on? Again, no one told me.

5)    Is it normal for my c-section incision to sometimes feel a little painful, and will the numbness around the area improve? Will I forever have a c-section shelf? Because, no one told me.

I just feel really irritated that society acts like women are just baby making machines and people assume that “oh when you have your second”…… is such a nonchalant thing to say. What if I don’t WANT to go through all of this again? I don’t HAVE to. I’d highly advise you as a society to not assume that what women go through is just easy and normal. I feel like we need to be more validated for our struggles, as sometimes they can be life threatening. Depression and anxiety is no joke, and I know how low I’ve gotten in the past. I’m grateful that I’ve been managing it for years, but there have absolutely been times I’ve thought, “I think it would be better if I wasn’t here anymore.” I’d be lying if I told you I’ve never had these thoughts. Next week I’d like to address things that people have said to me while pregnant and such. I’d like to create some awareness about how words can really affect people. There are certain things you should absolutely not say to a pregnant person.

Until next week….

Jess

Postpartum Frustrations

Dear Blog,

I am now about 3 ½ months postpartum, and let me say, I am incredibly frustrated. Frustrated actually is an understatement. Before I get into it, let me acknowledge that I understand I am incredibly blessed and lucky to have a healthy baby girl and that I am healthy. I have friends that have struggled with infertility and would do anything to be in my position. However, I also want people to know that wherever you are in your journey, your frustrations and struggles are valid, and real.

Here’s why I’m frustrated: NO ONE has told me what to expect for myself postpartum. I took twelve weeks off of work for maternity leave and I had this expectation that when I went back to work, things would be “back to normal.” They’re not. Now, I did only breast feed for a month, so luckily with that, I have not had to worry about pumping and such. However, NO ONE ever told me about the hormone imbalance I might still struggle with. NO ONE told me that my first period after having her would be INSANELY heavy. NO ONE told me that I might feel depressed, anxious, OCD. NO ONE told me that it could take 6 months to a year to lose these god damn last fifteen pounds that don’t want to go away. As I type this, I’m honestly getting heated. I am REALLY ANGRY that no one told me these things.

In the hospital, and at my 2 week post op appointment, and my 6 week, I was given a mental health survey. This was just to determine how I was feeling and if I was depressed or anxious. That is all. Luckily, I have been pretty self-aware in regards to my mental health. I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was 19, and I’ve been on medication for about 3 ½ years consistently. After I had Natalie, I also made an appointment with my psychiatrist and we added a medication to manage my postpartum anxiety, because I’m pretty sure I had/have that.

I’ve tried to explain to my husband that I am a completely different person now. I love him, but he doesn’t fully understand what I mean. I absolutely believe that I have a different outlook and mindset about life now. But also, I am morphing Jess 2.0 into a new Jess 3.0. The old me is now joining with motherhood me, and is becoming a new person. The issue with this is that I don’t fully know who this person is yet. And frankly, I don’t like her.

I am dealing with new types of anxiety that I don’t understand. Some of my depression is coming back. I have rage. Lately, I absolutely hate my cat. (We have four cats). Our female cat has been acting up and trying to take Natalie’s bottles and bite the nipple to get her formula. I lost my mind on my cat while she was doing this a few weeks ago. And the thing is, THIS ISN’T WHO I AM. And I don’t know right now how to not lose my shit about things. Things irk me more. And most of all, I HATE my new body.

When I was pregnant, I did not announce on social media that I was pregnant. Frankly, I just wanted this to be some news for ME, and I didn’t need the attention on social media. Being pregnant was a completely new thing for me, and I honestly never thought I’d ever be pregnant in my life. I knew I’d struggle with the body changes, and I didn’t want people to see me pregnant and make any sort of comments to me.

The biggest comment I always got from people in person was “you look great!” Okay…now let me explain to you all why I actually hated that. When I was pregnant, I noticed that people seemed to only comment on how I looked and not ask me how I was feeling or doing. It made me realize how much society really places an emphasis on bodies. When people would say “you look great”, I truly struggled to understand what they meant. What does that mean? I don’t look fat? I don’t look puffy? My skin is glowing? I don’t look tired? I literally didn’t get it. It started to bother me a lot too because then I thought, well what is everyone going to say about me AFTER the fact?

At one point in my pregnancy, my husband said to me, “Jess, you are ALLOWED TO LOOK PREGNANT.” And I think I needed to hear that, because I didn’t want to look pregnant. I was scared that my husband wouldn’t be attracted to me anymore. I’ve always been a thin girl, typically a size 4. I’m decently tall, and have typically maintained a relatively active lifestyle. I used to be one of the faces of American Airlines. My picture was on their seatback monitors years ago. I’ve always felt relatively confident in how I looked. I’ve been called beautiful, hot, pretty, gorgeous. That was what I’ve been referred to as. And being pregnant really scared me that I wouldn’t be these things anymore. And frankly, I don’t feel like I am these things anymore. When I was pregnant, I couldn’t stand that I was a little bit swollen. It bothered me to see in pictures. I think as women, we’ve always been critical of ourselves. Even though I’ve been pretty confident for the most part, I’ve always hated my arms. I think this is pretty normal for women to see something in themselves they dislike. Even when I weighed 115 pounds, I still hated my arms. I just want everyone to know, that if you’re struggling with this body image thing, you aren’t alone. I even had someone I know try to tell me I’m body dysmorphic. No, actually, I’m just pregnant. It is completely normal to not enjoy that your body is literally changing every single week, and it is completely okay to be scared and upset that your clothes don’t fit the same anymore.

So here I am, about 3 ½ months postpartum, and I cannot drop these last 15 pounds. Again, I want women to know, they aren’t alone. My husband tells me “oh it takes time” and “it doesn’t happen overnight.” Well, how fucking long does this shit take? Seriously. BECAUSE NO ONE TOLD ME.

Let me acknowledge, that I understand that maybe part of this is my ego talking. But once again, I still don’t FEEL like myself. My body doesn’t look how it used to, and I don’t like it. And I think I’m allowed to not like it. I do believe this is something I need to work through in therapy. However, let me just say, if you’ve never been pregnant, please don’t give people advice and try to diagnose them as something. Now that I’ve been pregnant, I truly believe that people truly don’t fully understand this, unless they’ve been pregnant themselves. Sometimes, empathy just isn’t possible. However, sympathy is always possible from everyone, even if you don’t completely understand. I just want everyone to know that your feelings are completely valid, and you should not be made to feel worse if you’re already feeling bad. It is completely okay to love your baby and feel grateful, yet still not like your body currently. It’s a journey we’re in together. A journey of loving our new selves, again……….

Jess

Anxiety is painful

Dear blog,

I ended with my last entry talking about how painful anxiety is. I would have to say it is a battle I face daily, and while being pregnant, I was pleasantly surprised at how well I managed it. Since I was not allowed to take Xanax, I must say, talk therapy is a godsend. If I were to give any pregnant woman unsolicited advice however, it would be, find an OB/GYN practice that makes you feel heard and advocated for. Every soon-to-be mother has a view in their mind on how they think things are going to go with their pregnancy experience, birth, postpartum, whatever. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves thinking that if things aren’t a certain way, then we’ve failed, and we mourn this vision we had for ourselves.

Lol, well let me tell you what my vision was. I am DEATHLY afraid of birth. I was never having children because the thought of shitting a brick for hours on end sounds like the most inhumane bullshit to ever go through. And there is no trophy on how your kid comes out of you. Seriously. So, my plan was to have a planned c-section. I NEEDED to do it this way because with my anxiety, the thought of laying there in the hospital for possibly more than a day, in insane pain, not knowing when the hell this kid would come out of me, once again sounded like the most inhumane bullshit to ever go through. And if I didn’t have to do that, I wasn’t gonna! Cue: my most amazing ob/gyn and doctor I’ve ever met in my entire life. My practice had five doctors: one male and four females. The thought of having a male ob/gyn creeped me out, and at the appointment that I had to meet him, I was very unsure. Hah, well guess who ended up being my favorite doctor? Him. He is this hilarious gay guy in his mid-fifties, who took one look at me and goes “what? You’re pregnant?” with an attitude. At my first appointment with him I asked him if I could have a planned c-section and he goes “Oh hell yeah let’s do it.” I said “really?” He goes “Hell yeah. Why the hell would you want to rip your twat in half down to your ass hole if you don’t have to?”

I CRIED laughing so hard. The amount of immense relief and weight off my shoulders was astounding. This provider GOT ME. You know? So, during my whole pregnancy, that was my plan. Yes, a c-section DID end up happening. But at one point I also questioned my plan. I wasn’t sure what was “right”, because I always second guess myself. Ultimately, my baby was breach, so that decision was solidified for me.

During all of my pregnancy, I had incredible fears on how becoming a mom would go. To start off, I knew that I didn’t want my entire life to be wrapped around the label of “mom.” Being a mom is just another hat that I wear, but it isn’t my entire identity. I had immense fear that once my baby was here, that my life didn’t matter anymore. I feared that I’d literally be a gnome in the corner, and no one would give a shit about me anymore. I feared that my husband would love this kid more than me. I feared that my hopes and dreams would be lost. I feared that my career would suffer. I feared that my mental health would go to complete shit.

All I have to say, is that it is incredibly true that when being strong is the only thing you can be, you WILL rise to the challenge. It might not be fun, but you are absolutely stronger than you think. For example, as I was literally walking into the operating room to have a frickin needle put in my back and then be cut open ten minutes later, for my c-section, that took some god damn strength and will power. “There was no turning back now.”

If you’re pregnant, my other advice to you would be to establish these boundaries now about your fears and anxieties. I can’t even explain to you how many times I told my husband my fears about how I worried my life wouldn’t matter anymore. I worried my life would suck. I worried my life would be ruined. That’s the depression in me talking. My brain tends to always go to the negative. I must say, if I ever decided to get pregnant again, I do feel a little more equipped with how to handle things and what to expect, but the part that’s a dumpster fire, is that every pregnancy is different. I was INCREDIBLY lucky to have zero morning sickness, an easy physical time (except for the third trimester), and I felt pretty good for the most part. My depression seemed to take a back seat, and I was genuinely happy while pregnant.

I would say that the first and third trimesters are the hardest parts “physically.” During the first trimester, you’re exhausted, and then during the third trimester, you’re exhausted and physically uncomfortable. And you feel like a blimp, and not attractive at all. For my next post, I want to talk about the physical parts of being pregnant. I really struggled with my body changing and body image during this time. And let me just say this, THAT IS OKAY. It’s okay to not like how you look pregnant.

Your feelings are valid.

Until next time,

Jess

Here’s the start of my story

Dear blog,

To quote Maria Von Trapp in The Sound of Music, “let’s start at the very beginning.” On June 8th, 2022, I felt that something was…uh, “off”, so I took a pregnancy test at home. Literally within 3 seconds, it was a positive test, and I freaked out yelling for my husband to “get the hell in here!!!” After two trips to urgent cares (because the first urgent care’s test said negative), within that week span, boom! It was official. I was pregnant.

For those of you that may know me well and are reading this, know that I was NEVER going to have kids. My entire life up until I was about 30, I said there was no way. I never had that “motherly instinct.” It was a job I never felt qualified for, and frankly didn’t WANT to do.  I also am DEATHLY afraid of anything medical, whether that’s needles, IVs, you name it. The thought of birth has always been truly the biggest fear in my entire life. And, I didn’t want to go through that. I have to walk away anytime there’s a traumatic birth scene in a show or a movie. I can’t stand it. When I then met my now husband, and was in what I call a “mature adult relationship” (finally), my views started to evolve and I truly dug deep into myself and did some internal work to truly answer the question as to “why” I didn’t want any kids.

After lots of therapy, and talking with my boyfriend (now husband), I reconsidered the possibility of having kids. I drew the conclusion that I was truly just scared. But I also never really understood why people wanted kids. Again, as someone who never felt this motherly instinct, I come from this angle of not “getting it.” And honestly, I don’t think anyone “gets it” until you actually have them. However, my reconsideration truly stemmed from the brutal fact that I really don’t feel a close relationship at all to my extended family. And, that is the truth. My cousins and I aren’t close at all, which makes me sad. I hardly see my aunts and uncles. So, the thought of starting my own family and doing things mine and my husband’s way sounded appealing. I also truly thought about when my parents are passed away, who do I have around? No, it’s not that I “want someone to take care of me one day.” Its, who is the company that I will have around when I’m older? Obviously, my husband, but other relationships with family are important too, and that’s when it clicked for me. I felt that having children would be our way to create the family dynamic WE wanted, and we would always have love in our family until the day we die.

I’m not going to deny that, well, that is a gamble. Having kids doesn’t always guarantee you love. I know of people who have really shit relationships with their parents, etc. But, I ultimately knew it was a gamble I was willing to take, if it was meant to be. If I’m being honest though, I’ve NEVER been into babies. Babies have always scared the crap out of me. Newborns to me are gross and weird looking, and little babies are so fragile and helpless, that I felt like “what the hell would I do with this thing?” Hah, and then I had my own baby……

So here we are, June of 2022, Literally a month and a half after Steve and I got married. I’m newly pregnant, but realizing, oh shit…. In 9 months, how the hell is this thing going to get out of me? Cue: anxiety.

I have had depression and undiagnosed anxiety now for probably about 15 years. I have been on and off medication, and was on a lot of things actually the year prior to my wedding. After my wedding, I had gotten off of one of my medications (lithium), because it was not a good medicine for me to take long term (plus I had weird side effects). So, luckily while being pregnant, I was still able to be on two of my medications for depression, which are Wellbutrin, and a low dose of Abilify. In terms of my depression, I actually felt pretty decent for the most part during pregnancy. However, I had major anxiety about this looming deadline of facing my world’s biggest fear. The part that was the most difficult for me during pregnancy was that I could not take Xanax, and god damn, I wanted that pill more than ANYTHING.

In my next entry, I’m going to talk about how I managed this. I also had many intrusive and negative thoughts come up in my brain about how I thought parenthood would go. I want to address these too. Again, I have always come at the angle of thinking I would never have kids. I was truly in the mindset of “if it’s meant to be, great, if not, then that’s okay too.”

Let me just leave you all with this for now: anxiety is freaking painful. Anxiety hurts. It is incredibly hard to control, and hard to overcome. If any of you struggle with this, know you’re not alone. It is a battle that I face every day in my mind. The way I visually describe my anxiety is there is this nasty ass guy wearing a wife beater sitting in a lawn chair with his arms crossed feeding me lies about my life. This ass hole’s name is Clyde. I can picture him now. What an ass hole. So, every day I have to sit Clyde’s ass in the corner and tell him to shut the f up, because it is LIES. Anyways, if you don’t have Clyde in your life, I’m freaking jealous. Because Clyde can often times consume my brain. And that my friends, is what makes anxiety painful. Until next week.

-Jess

A little bit about me….

Hi! Thanks for stopping by. My name is Jess, and I am a FTM to my daughter Natalie, who will be 3 months old on May 3rd. Besides being her mom, I’m also a wife to my husband Steve. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a hairdresser. I have a music education degree, so I guess you could say I’m a singer and a flute player. I’m a Starbucks addict. I love my peloton. I enjoy being active. I’m a fashionista, for sure. I love me a new outfit and good clothing find. I am an extreme Disney adult. In fact, my friend and I co-host a Disney podcast together entitled “Parks and Pixie Dust Podcast.” Check it out! If I could go to Disney World every month, I would. Yes, i’m a Disney freak. Besides all these fun things, I also struggle with depression and anxiety. I have struggled with it for a VERY long time. I can recall being a freshman in college and feeling incredibly homesick thinking that college just wasn't for me. Looking back, I’m glad I got through it and made myself finish, but I don’t look back at college and think “oh man, this was the best time of my life.” If anything, it was probably the hardest time in my life, because I believe I had undiagnosed anxiety, and definitely depression. It was all new to me, and trying to figure out how to deal with that, on top of doing well in school was just…..really hard.

As I said, I’m about 3 months pp, and I am a first time mom. I wanted to start this blog just to create a dialogue and awareness that anyone struggling with mental illness is truly not alone. Becoming a new mom can make you feel incredibly alone. With hormones raging everywhere, often times during my maternity leave I have felt, well, insane frankly. I would love any feedback and if there are any topics you’d like me to talk about, give me a shoutout. I just want to leave you new moms with, you’re not alone in your struggles. You will get through this. I’m here for you. And, it’s truly okay if you don’t always have your shit together. I certainly don’t. Nobody has it all figured out.

-Jess