Anxiety is painful
Dear blog,
I ended with my last entry talking about how painful anxiety is. I would have to say it is a battle I face daily, and while being pregnant, I was pleasantly surprised at how well I managed it. Since I was not allowed to take Xanax, I must say, talk therapy is a godsend. If I were to give any pregnant woman unsolicited advice however, it would be, find an OB/GYN practice that makes you feel heard and advocated for. Every soon-to-be mother has a view in their mind on how they think things are going to go with their pregnancy experience, birth, postpartum, whatever. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves thinking that if things aren’t a certain way, then we’ve failed, and we mourn this vision we had for ourselves.
Lol, well let me tell you what my vision was. I am DEATHLY afraid of birth. I was never having children because the thought of shitting a brick for hours on end sounds like the most inhumane bullshit to ever go through. And there is no trophy on how your kid comes out of you. Seriously. So, my plan was to have a planned c-section. I NEEDED to do it this way because with my anxiety, the thought of laying there in the hospital for possibly more than a day, in insane pain, not knowing when the hell this kid would come out of me, once again sounded like the most inhumane bullshit to ever go through. And if I didn’t have to do that, I wasn’t gonna! Cue: my most amazing ob/gyn and doctor I’ve ever met in my entire life. My practice had five doctors: one male and four females. The thought of having a male ob/gyn creeped me out, and at the appointment that I had to meet him, I was very unsure. Hah, well guess who ended up being my favorite doctor? Him. He is this hilarious gay guy in his mid-fifties, who took one look at me and goes “what? You’re pregnant?” with an attitude. At my first appointment with him I asked him if I could have a planned c-section and he goes “Oh hell yeah let’s do it.” I said “really?” He goes “Hell yeah. Why the hell would you want to rip your twat in half down to your ass hole if you don’t have to?”
I CRIED laughing so hard. The amount of immense relief and weight off my shoulders was astounding. This provider GOT ME. You know? So, during my whole pregnancy, that was my plan. Yes, a c-section DID end up happening. But at one point I also questioned my plan. I wasn’t sure what was “right”, because I always second guess myself. Ultimately, my baby was breach, so that decision was solidified for me.
During all of my pregnancy, I had incredible fears on how becoming a mom would go. To start off, I knew that I didn’t want my entire life to be wrapped around the label of “mom.” Being a mom is just another hat that I wear, but it isn’t my entire identity. I had immense fear that once my baby was here, that my life didn’t matter anymore. I feared that I’d literally be a gnome in the corner, and no one would give a shit about me anymore. I feared that my husband would love this kid more than me. I feared that my hopes and dreams would be lost. I feared that my career would suffer. I feared that my mental health would go to complete shit.
All I have to say, is that it is incredibly true that when being strong is the only thing you can be, you WILL rise to the challenge. It might not be fun, but you are absolutely stronger than you think. For example, as I was literally walking into the operating room to have a frickin needle put in my back and then be cut open ten minutes later, for my c-section, that took some god damn strength and will power. “There was no turning back now.”
If you’re pregnant, my other advice to you would be to establish these boundaries now about your fears and anxieties. I can’t even explain to you how many times I told my husband my fears about how I worried my life wouldn’t matter anymore. I worried my life would suck. I worried my life would be ruined. That’s the depression in me talking. My brain tends to always go to the negative. I must say, if I ever decided to get pregnant again, I do feel a little more equipped with how to handle things and what to expect, but the part that’s a dumpster fire, is that every pregnancy is different. I was INCREDIBLY lucky to have zero morning sickness, an easy physical time (except for the third trimester), and I felt pretty good for the most part. My depression seemed to take a back seat, and I was genuinely happy while pregnant.
I would say that the first and third trimesters are the hardest parts “physically.” During the first trimester, you’re exhausted, and then during the third trimester, you’re exhausted and physically uncomfortable. And you feel like a blimp, and not attractive at all. For my next post, I want to talk about the physical parts of being pregnant. I really struggled with my body changing and body image during this time. And let me just say this, THAT IS OKAY. It’s okay to not like how you look pregnant.
Your feelings are valid.
Until next time,
Jess