Postpartum Frustrations
Dear Blog,
I am now about 3 ½ months postpartum, and let me say, I am incredibly frustrated. Frustrated actually is an understatement. Before I get into it, let me acknowledge that I understand I am incredibly blessed and lucky to have a healthy baby girl and that I am healthy. I have friends that have struggled with infertility and would do anything to be in my position. However, I also want people to know that wherever you are in your journey, your frustrations and struggles are valid, and real.
Here’s why I’m frustrated: NO ONE has told me what to expect for myself postpartum. I took twelve weeks off of work for maternity leave and I had this expectation that when I went back to work, things would be “back to normal.” They’re not. Now, I did only breast feed for a month, so luckily with that, I have not had to worry about pumping and such. However, NO ONE ever told me about the hormone imbalance I might still struggle with. NO ONE told me that my first period after having her would be INSANELY heavy. NO ONE told me that I might feel depressed, anxious, OCD. NO ONE told me that it could take 6 months to a year to lose these god damn last fifteen pounds that don’t want to go away. As I type this, I’m honestly getting heated. I am REALLY ANGRY that no one told me these things.
In the hospital, and at my 2 week post op appointment, and my 6 week, I was given a mental health survey. This was just to determine how I was feeling and if I was depressed or anxious. That is all. Luckily, I have been pretty self-aware in regards to my mental health. I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was 19, and I’ve been on medication for about 3 ½ years consistently. After I had Natalie, I also made an appointment with my psychiatrist and we added a medication to manage my postpartum anxiety, because I’m pretty sure I had/have that.
I’ve tried to explain to my husband that I am a completely different person now. I love him, but he doesn’t fully understand what I mean. I absolutely believe that I have a different outlook and mindset about life now. But also, I am morphing Jess 2.0 into a new Jess 3.0. The old me is now joining with motherhood me, and is becoming a new person. The issue with this is that I don’t fully know who this person is yet. And frankly, I don’t like her.
I am dealing with new types of anxiety that I don’t understand. Some of my depression is coming back. I have rage. Lately, I absolutely hate my cat. (We have four cats). Our female cat has been acting up and trying to take Natalie’s bottles and bite the nipple to get her formula. I lost my mind on my cat while she was doing this a few weeks ago. And the thing is, THIS ISN’T WHO I AM. And I don’t know right now how to not lose my shit about things. Things irk me more. And most of all, I HATE my new body.
When I was pregnant, I did not announce on social media that I was pregnant. Frankly, I just wanted this to be some news for ME, and I didn’t need the attention on social media. Being pregnant was a completely new thing for me, and I honestly never thought I’d ever be pregnant in my life. I knew I’d struggle with the body changes, and I didn’t want people to see me pregnant and make any sort of comments to me.
The biggest comment I always got from people in person was “you look great!” Okay…now let me explain to you all why I actually hated that. When I was pregnant, I noticed that people seemed to only comment on how I looked and not ask me how I was feeling or doing. It made me realize how much society really places an emphasis on bodies. When people would say “you look great”, I truly struggled to understand what they meant. What does that mean? I don’t look fat? I don’t look puffy? My skin is glowing? I don’t look tired? I literally didn’t get it. It started to bother me a lot too because then I thought, well what is everyone going to say about me AFTER the fact?
At one point in my pregnancy, my husband said to me, “Jess, you are ALLOWED TO LOOK PREGNANT.” And I think I needed to hear that, because I didn’t want to look pregnant. I was scared that my husband wouldn’t be attracted to me anymore. I’ve always been a thin girl, typically a size 4. I’m decently tall, and have typically maintained a relatively active lifestyle. I used to be one of the faces of American Airlines. My picture was on their seatback monitors years ago. I’ve always felt relatively confident in how I looked. I’ve been called beautiful, hot, pretty, gorgeous. That was what I’ve been referred to as. And being pregnant really scared me that I wouldn’t be these things anymore. And frankly, I don’t feel like I am these things anymore. When I was pregnant, I couldn’t stand that I was a little bit swollen. It bothered me to see in pictures. I think as women, we’ve always been critical of ourselves. Even though I’ve been pretty confident for the most part, I’ve always hated my arms. I think this is pretty normal for women to see something in themselves they dislike. Even when I weighed 115 pounds, I still hated my arms. I just want everyone to know, that if you’re struggling with this body image thing, you aren’t alone. I even had someone I know try to tell me I’m body dysmorphic. No, actually, I’m just pregnant. It is completely normal to not enjoy that your body is literally changing every single week, and it is completely okay to be scared and upset that your clothes don’t fit the same anymore.
So here I am, about 3 ½ months postpartum, and I cannot drop these last 15 pounds. Again, I want women to know, they aren’t alone. My husband tells me “oh it takes time” and “it doesn’t happen overnight.” Well, how fucking long does this shit take? Seriously. BECAUSE NO ONE TOLD ME.
Let me acknowledge, that I understand that maybe part of this is my ego talking. But once again, I still don’t FEEL like myself. My body doesn’t look how it used to, and I don’t like it. And I think I’m allowed to not like it. I do believe this is something I need to work through in therapy. However, let me just say, if you’ve never been pregnant, please don’t give people advice and try to diagnose them as something. Now that I’ve been pregnant, I truly believe that people truly don’t fully understand this, unless they’ve been pregnant themselves. Sometimes, empathy just isn’t possible. However, sympathy is always possible from everyone, even if you don’t completely understand. I just want everyone to know that your feelings are completely valid, and you should not be made to feel worse if you’re already feeling bad. It is completely okay to love your baby and feel grateful, yet still not like your body currently. It’s a journey we’re in together. A journey of loving our new selves, again……….
Jess