Things NOT to say to new moms…
Dear Blog,
Sorry everyone that this is being posted a day late, but, hah, that’s what happens sometimes in motherhood. This last week and a half I’ve been really taking in what my ob/gyn said, and just trying to navigate this new person that I am. I’ll admit, an “expensive” habit that I do when I’m not feeling the best is I of course love some retail therapy. I try really hard to not spend too much on things especially if logically I know I don’t need them. But now that it is summer weather, I can’t help myself but enjoy a new sun dress or athleisure wear.
Last blog I mentioned that I’d like to bring up some real things people have said to me while I was pregnant. I apologize if this post comes off as a bitch fest, but I think I need to bring to light things people have actually said and how crazy it is the “lack of filter” some people have.
Here are some things I’d recommend NOT saying to new or expecting moms:
1) When are you giving them a sibling?
Okay, first of all, what makes you think I want a second one? It is truly no one’s business how big or small my family will be. Also, some people have very difficult fertility journeys. Just because it happened fast the first time around, doesn’t mean it’d be easy the second time. Please, stop expecting things of people because it is incredibly hurtful. It makes us feel like the child we currently have doesn’t matter, and that what we’re doing with our lives currently doesn’t matter. Also, pregnancy and postpartum is INCREDIBLY difficult. What if we don’t want to go through that again? It’s just not that simple.
2) Are you breastfeeding? (Insert opinion about breastfeeding here)
Here’s my philosophy: FED IS BEST. Would you like for me to judge what you eat on the daily? Didn’t think so. Back off.
3) You look great for just having a baby!
Okay? What does that mean? I don’t look pregnant anymore?
4) When I told someone my baby was breach, with a disgusted face they said “Oh, you couldn’t get them to flip?”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Like I have control over this??? I was not going to do that procedure either to have her flipped. I wanted a c-section anyway, so I’m glad the decision was made for me.
5) “What are you having?” And I told them girl…. “eh, oh well, you can try again.”
True story. A male said this to me. Un-fucking-believable.
6) “I know you don’t like attention on you, but you look great and you’ll be skinny again in no time.”
(Someone said this to me while I was at work and pregnant.)
7) “I wish you would’ve waited to get pregnant so we could not have kids yet together!”
(Slaps hand on forehead)
8) Also, don’t diminish a pregnant person’s feelings about their body changing. It is incredibly difficult to be in a body that you can’t control.
9) “When you have your second….” “Well, it’d be nice to have a boy”…..
(said by a family member)
So now you’re probably thinking, “well what can I say?”
Well, how about asking the pregnant person how they feel for starters. Ask them how they’re doing and if there’s anything you can do to help. Don’t comment on their looks right away. We don’t believe you when you tell us we look great. We feel like a beached whale. Don’t give us your OPINION about breastfeeding. It truly does not work for everyone. Hell, I breastfed for exactly ONE MONTH TO THE DATE. And during that time, I also had to supplement with formula because I was not producing enough and my child was SUPER HUNGRY. I’ve found that formula keeps them more full, and satisfied. Also, get off your male dominated fucking high horse that my family needs a boy. We live on a god damned rock surrounding a ball of fire. Whether or not our last name ever gets passed on, is the LEAST of my worries. And what if I had a boy, and he was gay? Or if he didn’t want children? THEN WHAT?
Show compassion towards the pregnant woman. Look, even if you’ve BEEN PREGNANT, its very difficult to have empathy towards a pregnant person because every PREGNANCY looks different. My advice is, work on your skill of showing SYMPATHY. Sympathy says, “look, I might not fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here to be a support, listen, and acknowledge that this is hard for you.”
Until next time,
Jess