Natalie is 6 months old today!

Hey blog,

Today is Natalie’s 6 month birthday! I cannot believe she is halfway to a year old already. People are not lying when they say it goes by so fast!! As I’m sitting here this morning, I can’t help but reflect back to these last six months. I’m not going to act like everything’s “all good”, because social media truly only shows the highlight reels. If I’m being honest, behind all the cute outfits and fun pictures, I’ve still been struggling.

A few weeks ago I bumped up my medication for depression because I have just been really down. I have had thoughts like everyone would be better off without me here. But now the sadness comes in as, if I’m not here, I don’t get to see Natalie anymore. She has brought an immense joy to my life that I cannot describe. I have NEVER liked babies until I had my own, and I am just obsessed. My husband rolls his eyes at me, but it truly brings me so much joy to dress her up and match. I love fashion, always have, and I am just having so much fun dressing her up and playing with her. I always wanted a little sister growing up, and now is my chance to have a cute little girl to take care of.

I have to say though, I am incredibly angry at the “cost” it is to have a child. What I mean by that, is the physical, mental, and emotional sacrifice I have had to go through to have her. I’m pissed, because honestly society acts incredibly nonchalant about people having kids. And it’s thrown around in conversation so casually of “when are you having kids?” “When are you having your second?” I get REALLY worked up about this. I am bitter and mad because I have completely transformed into a new person that I am now trying to get to know, and it took me years to even remotely sort of “like” the old person I was. I fucking HATE hormones. I get so worked up and angry over dumb things that go wrong around the house (like the cats knocking over the flower vase and water spilling all over). I also am tired of the damn Walter E. Smithe commercials on tv with those four hot daughters. WE GET IT ALREADY! (If you’re from chicago, you’ll know what I’m talking about.) But yeah, shit like this irks me to the core, and I feel like I cannot control it. I cry more easily about things too. I have less thick skin. It’s been incredibly hard.

Physically, I am having a very hard time accepting that I’ve had to size up in jeans. I am so hung up on a number and I KNOW logically it makes me miserable. I’ve always cared about how I looked, and frankly I’m just not loving how I look lately. I hate that we have to gain weight, and work ourselves to the ground to just lose maybe one pound for a week, for then the scale to go back up again. I can’t stand it. I hate that no one told me how long hormones would be whack. I’m really mad that women have to go through this and feel like shit for a long time. I’m also mad that my abdomen will never look the same. I have the c-section mini shelf, and I just can’t stand it. Body con dresses are not exactly what I can wear anymore unless I put spanx on under it.

Anyways, I’m sorry for the bitch fest. But it is REALLY hard navigating through all of this. I truly thought by 3 months pp, I’d be completely back to normal, and boy, was I in for a rude awakening.

These last 6 months have been incredibly joyful, but at a cost. And I really can’t stand that there is a cost to have a child. So before you go asking people casually when they’re having kids, or their second, I’d say stop yourself and think. Think about that maybe that person has mental health issues and it’s too much. Or maybe they have fertility issues. Or maybe they just don’t want children and that should be ABSOLUTELY acceptable. Stop pressuring women to have children. For the longest time, I thought it was NOT for me. I am incredibly grateful for the family support and especially my husband who is the kindest soul on the planet and is incredibly hands on. I NEVER would have had children had I married anyone else because they were not the person that Steve is.

Besides the hardships, I must say, I believe I have grown a lot. In other ways, I’m more confident. Growing up with a brother who has Down syndrome, I’ve learned patience, and I believe that has translated to me being a good, patient, and empathetic mom. My mental health issues have made me empathetic and sympathetic. When Natalie cries, I don’t get mad, I just know that she needs something and can’t communicate it to me, so it’s just me figuring out what she needs. I CANT get mad at that….. this whole world is so new to her! I also think that being a mom has made me stronger in handling things that come my way. I think differently about the world now and how things would affect her. I have a protective instinct now that I’ve never had before. I also feel like I have a renewed sense of purpose. She needs me, and it is mine and my husbands job to shape her into a smart woman of society. I hope when she’s an adult I can say that I’ve done that.

Sorry for the long post. Please I’d love some feedback from you all. Wanting to know if any of you can relate.

Jess